It was not love in the first sight

 First time I entered to U.S it was Dallas airport in Virginia. I still can fee the rain and fresh air of that Friday morning. It was so early morning and I was so exhausted and jet lag -I had no idea about it at the time- I arrived to hotel and saw Tom in the lobby that I might look so miserable that he asked me to go to my room and sleep and skip our meeting with Hilary Clinton and I did :)))

I hated the U.S. I simply wanted to finish my trip and go back home- Kabul. I missed the Persian new year celebration because of time difference and I slept for almost 18 hours after that trip to recover. 

Today I was thinking that I am in love with DC and U.S. I rather not to be in any other city in the world. I am in love with this tiny powerful, layered, melted city. It seems like the city doesn't belong to anyone and there is no main culture for it. So much layers that I doubt I will ever go to the bottom of it. 

Friday thoughts

I am trying to put Kabul behind and move on but Kabul started to live in us and move inside of us. Kabul is not a physical place anymore, its a concept, lifestyle and our lost loves and we can't move on and forget it. 

Thursday

 I missed my 20s. I missed being hopeless romantic, idealist that I was. I thought I can change the world. How stupidly happy I was!

I was literally in the bottom of the world with no hope, but I did not know that. Everything seems possible to me. 

Funny and sad

 Its sad and funny the same time. Your best talent is writing and you forced to leave your language and start a life from scratch with another language. That is reality of my life... I need to write to stay alive...

What is happening to me? what is happening to me? 

So broken, so scared of living that literally can't do anything... 

Was I something or I had illusion of being someone? 

- She (my niece) lost her keys! and I know for her its big deal. Mostly she is worried that I will think that she is irresponsible. I don't!

I need to let her to find her way to this world and I am sure standing and watching her and just being there if she needed help is the best that I can do so far. 

I put myself in her shoes and think, if I had someone twice my age and experience, what he/she would tell me about my challenges... did she laughed so hard on my worrisome and sighed for my stupid mistakes? 

-Oh, Kabul! I was so in love with you, everyone was! but no one had intention of protecting you. We all just used you and left you bleeding... 

its not about the money... its never been about money... I am talking about life... about the limited time we have and we don't know how to spend it.